What's the matter? That's the question I have been asking myself lately. Summers come and farming starts and Aaron and I always get disconnected from each other, from the Lord and from people, which is not what we want, but by now things are usually coming together again, but not this year. This is the first time we have actually questioned whether or not the Lord even wants us to farm. There has to be a better balance. We HAVE to do it in a way that is honoring to Jesus or it just won't work. We feel that more than ever now.
I think our focuses have to change. For me lately I have been on this slim 4 life diet and have been so very self focused, trying to reach my goal weight. God has given me discipline with my eating, but I need discipline in other areas of my life now. I focus all my energy in losing weight and in my girls. Focusing my energy in my girls is a good thing, but I still need a balance of other things. My first ministry in life is with my husband and then my children. I can't be a great parent if I'm not a great wife first, and I can't be a great wife if I'm not connected with Jesus. I really want to model that for my girls.
I have just been on edge lately, and I know that it's because my relationship isn't right with God right now. Really ever since New Rivers split up things haven't been the same for us. We aren't in a home team, we have no accountability, we're not involved in any outside ministries. We so desperately need that, and it's time to get plugged back in somehow. I can feel God tugging at my heart pulling me back towards Him. Why do I keep resisting? I can name all the excuses...too busy, not wanting to commit, have too much on my plate, don't want to feel overwhelmed, can't fit anything else in, don't feel like I am in a place to lead anyone right now, don't want to burden anyone by reaching out to them for help, don't fit in, feel uncomfortable talking to people....all stupid excuses that come from the enemy. Please Lord may your voice be louder than his.
Really I don't want to hold my husband back either. I feel like I do this in ministry a lot. Such an amazing heart Aaron has! He genuinely loves the Lord and cares for others, and I hold him back. The truth hurts, but that's it. It all comes down to fear. Fear of adding new things in life, fear of making the wrong move, fear of letting people down, fear of my husband taking off in ministry without me. I will be in church and feel so very moved and inspired by a message, and I will be thinking of all the things I can do to get involved and make a difference. Then I go home, and it all kind of fades away and gets pushed down with my daily to-dos. Please Lord pull me out. I want to see your face. I want to live my life for you, because you are ALL that matters.
You gave me this life, chose me, and adopted me as your daughter and I want to honor you. I want to live bringing glory to you. Draw me near and hold me tight. I need a big hug from you. I keep thinking of the time I first came to know you. I always think of how I felt....so very full of joy. I describe it as being in a protective euphoric bubble. Everything was fresh and looked new and people were beautiful, your creation was miraculous to me. That's because I had your eyes. Give me your eyes again. Help me to see the world through your eyes. Give me your heart Lord.